A click, and then nothing forever

A click, and then nothing forever

A very short story about whether existence is worth it and if we can justify it

Chapter One

Her hands gripped the controls of her starfighter with an increasing tightness as the knuckles became white. Her veteran memories of copious missions seemed to be at her back, ready to support her. However, this was the biggest mission she had ever been on. As she always did right before a mission as a bad habit, she began to suspect and doubt the intelligence that headquarters gave her. Words like “Doomsday device” seemed ridiculous and improbable, but to be on the safe side, she was ready for everything. 

She also wished she had more time to study up on Dr. Mundio’s file. She had never known so little about a target in any of her operations, but desperate times have their own precedences. Honor came with being considered the top space ranger to send in such sudden and dire situations. A sense of hubris accompanied with a deep sense of doubt that they had the right person permeated her mind as she tried to remove herself from the situation. 

Pulling herself from her mind was the sight of the space fortress coming into view through the naked glass of her starfighter. It was larger and more ominous than the intel could queue her into.  

“Ranger Delta, repeat ranger Delta.” The radio staticed suddenly, making her jump slightly. 

“Go for Delta.” She spoke into her mic. 

“You should have a visual on the target.” 

“Visual made. I wish we could just torpedo this whole fortress.” 

“Do you know why we can’t?” 

“I didn’t get that far in the briefing seeing how I barely had time to get dressed.” 

“Intel reports that there is a small chance that attempting to destroy the weapon will set it off.” 

“How good do you think our intel is Gamma?” 

“No way of knowing. That is the problem with anonymous sources.” 

“You know, aside from this being the first time since being partners that you haven’t been on a mission with me, I think this is the farthest we have ever been. I feel pretty naked.” 

“Then let’s hope intel is wrong and Dr. Mundio is just researching rocks and trying to prove God exists. Stealth is key on this one.” 

“Allegedly.” 

“Allegedly.” 

“You know, aside from me and a whole bunch of other people getting hurt, It would be a real bummer if this tip ends up being legitimate. I would just be let down to know someone could be so evil to hold so many people hostage.” 

“I am sorry. I know you never really had a chance to get over that human smuggling bust. You’ll just have to believe people aren’t so bad.” 

“C’mon Gamma, from the perspective of our little occupation, it is pretty clear that can’t be true.” 

“Well, if he really is a bad guy, make sure he gets what bad guys deserve. Just make sure to get what you can from him.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” 

“I’m going dark Delta. You need to go silent from here on out.” 

“Wish me luck?” 

“Luck wished. Go save the universe”

She gently feathered the front thrusters on and off before the starfighter gently touched the hull of the fortress. She engaged the electro-magnets to attach the side along with the rubber seal that made it air tight. She patted herself down to make sure she had all of her gear, felt her raygun for a sense of reassurance, and gently pressed the last button. 

The front hatch opened, facing the wall of the ship. She grabbed the laser saw from under her seat, and began to silently slice through the thick layers of metal and insulation as she hoped there wouldn’t be any vital wiring or piping. Once she had sliced out a small hole just big enough for her small frame, she lay on her back as she pulled her legs up toward her chest, and kicked the metal left in the hole. The fragment flew into the ship, exposing its internals to her. She moved her head toward the hole as she looked inside, but could see very little in the silent darkness that lurked below. 

She tilted her head and pulled in a deep breath before letting out a quiet sigh as she often did before a more dangerous mission. She slipped through the space feet first and pulled herself through as the fortress's artificial gravity pulled her toward the ground. She stood up and looked to her sides to see she was in the middle of a long corridor, with nothing more than the emergency exit lights illuminating it. Neither direction looked more promising, and both just as ominous, so she turned to the right and began to slowly walk down the hallway. 

Coming to a sliding door that seemed to open to another room, she slid her gloved hand along the frame to find a small button as she pushed it. A larger room opened up with a cafeteria and living quarters. Most of the chairs were tipped over, wrappers from food were left strewn around, and everything that could be in disarray was. With her raygun drawn, she made her way through the room, marveling at the large open window out to space. 

Passing through that room, she walked through another hallway with open doors on either side with barracks and the occasional singular bed for a higher ranking person. Again, every bed was unmade and every room unkept. Continuing down the hallway, she found windows on either side that opened into large rooms that contained unidentifiable scientific apparatus, wires, piping, electronics that beeped and flashed, and all of it was a mess. 

She tried to look for any clues but struggled as someone who was limited in her scientific training, for anything here being a weapon. None of the shapes looked torpedo like, shaped like a cannon, or had any markings to set them apart. Continuing down the hallway, she saw one last room that didn’t seem designed as a residential space, but was the only room that looked like it had been lived in. 

A small space armada issued cot with military blankets was the only thing in the room along with a record player that seemed to have the least dust of anything on the compound. She kneeled down as she tried to read in the dim lights what was the name of the only record in the room to see that it said “1950’s love songs.”

She stepped out of the doorways as she came to the end of the hall. The last door was closed and ominous. By process of elimination, whatever she was looking for was here, but now she had waited in her anticipation long enough for the possibilities to mount along with the fear. Holding her raygun firm in one hand, she pressed the button on the door as it rose open. Before her, was a small circular room, the first clean one she had seen. 

The walls had more machines that whirred and hummed, but the only thing in the room was a small pedestal in the middle of the room that rose from the ground in the middle of the room. On the top of the platform was a large, dark red, glowing button. Behind the small platform, the button was on, she saw a small white figure shaking. 

She stepped to the right to see an unkempt man in a lab coat with his head in his hands as he stood there trembling. He seemed lost in a battle in his mind. He seemed to struggle to come to the moment before nodding at her. 

“You are here.” 

“From your pictures, you appear to be Dr. Mundio.” He nodded as he looked up at her in solace. 

“I am glad you are here.” He said to her astonishment. 

“I am actually here because space ranger headquarters received the tip that you have some sort of apparatus like a doomsday bomb.” Dr. Mundio smiled as he looked at the button. 

“Well, well it is not that simple.” 

“So, it isn’t true? Did you just put the fake radio call so we would come faster?” He stared at the button with a more solace look as his shaking slowed. 

“I am going to make an extreme guess here and guess that the giant glowing red button is the bomb.” 

“Not a bomb, something more.” 

“Have you pushed it yet?” She asked, sure that he would only give such details if it was too late. 

“No, I haven’t pushed it and I won’t.” 

“Good, if you try to, I will shoot you.” She said as she raised her raygun to his chest. 

“Anyone else here?” 

“Not a soul. Just me.” 

“You built all this yourself?” 

“Not at first. The old crew helped me, but one-by-one, they all broke down and told me they couldn’t do it.” 

“Where did they go?” Dr. Mundio went silent, saying nothing and yet too much. “I was left to finish the project.” 

“What is the project?” He sat there despondent and disassociated as only the sound of her breath met her ears. 

“Doctor, what is this?” 

Chapter two

His eyes began to move again as he sat forward before standing up. He was sickly and weak from his clear dedication along with the toll it took on him. 

“This is the “universal constant shifter” or UCS as we call it.” He said as he seemed to slip into a professor role reminiscent of his teaching years on earth she had read about in his file. 

“Are you familiar with universal constants?” He asked. 

“Somewhat. Concepts such as the speed of light?” 

“That is correct. There are a whole bunch of them and from them we get the rules that govern the universe.” He stepped toward the button slightly, but with a wave of her raygun, he was reminded and stepped back as he continued to explain without missing a beat. 

“There are 26 universal constants. If one knows the initial conditions of the universe, which is how it starts, along with these constants, they can explain causal action in the universe. Though they are needed to do so, they are still not enough. The demarcation we give the numbers to the metric can be arbitrary. With the example of your lightyear, we decide year is the time measurement we give light to travel to determine distance. 

While what metric we use can at times be arbitrary, the exact forces behind them are not and some are ratios between things called dimensionals which are exact. The speed of light is consistent at nearly three hundred thousand kilometers per second. In a vacuum, it will always go at that speed. This and all the other constants such as Planck’s constant, proton to electron mass, and Faraday's constant, control how particles act and react. 

Each of these metrics compiled together combined with the initial state of the universe give us what we have now. Think of the baby universe plus universal constants gives us the universe as it is. There are a few issues here in finding a deterministic model for how the universe operates, not all things are clearly determined and are rather what we call stochastic or self-determined. This is where chaos comes in and the uncertainty principle. I am sorry, I am realizing this may be a little complex. Are you following well enough?” 

“From ranger school, I have the general idea of what you are trying to talk about.” 

“You seem like a bright one, but I’ll try to keep it simpler. Here was my dilemma and dream as a young man. I sought to prove from a deep desire for freedom, to think that there was either something bigger than just a bunch of particles bouncing around and reacting either causally or randomly. I wanted to be able to prove something more, something...” His face shifted from a small glittering of hope in his eye to one that seemed to face the music he wished he could ignore. 

“Something divine. I wanted to prove that we could have control. Borrowing from neurology, I found that the faculties of thought in the human mind were much greater than our physical processor could hold. It became clear to me that we were more than just a randomly built biological computer that sprung up via electro-chemical reactions from chance. Like other physicists of my day, I began to reason that consciousness was a properly basic part of the universe like matter and energy. 

We were somehow just physical instantiations or embodiments of this consciousness. This consciousness could then not be created or destroyed. It then made sense we came from somewhere and would join that thing again. It also then became very likely that there could be a unit of this consciousness who had become maximal. This being could then either be what brought about the initial conditions of the universe, or at least shaped them once they were. I had found a way to keep my God and that divinity of will and timelessness I wished for myself.” He sighed as he looked down from the button to the ground and moved from the factual to the narrative. 

“This is where my messy life really began. So sure of these thoughts, I began to study them and make some serious progress. As a person of faith, I made big waves in the scientific community. Before me, there was an argument for God that came from these universal constants we talked about. 

If the cosmological constant was off by one part in ten to the one hundred and twentieth, the universe couldn’t hold stable. If gravity were one in ten to the fiftieth off in either direction, the universe would either expand or contract respectively, too fast for us to have ever existed. Finally, if mass or energy were off ten to the ten to the one hundred and twenty third in their ratio when the universe began,  there could be no life. 

Here we have examples of some of the 26 different variables that if they were off at all, even by margins we could not fathom how small they were. everything as we know it, including life could never exist. There were three explanations for how this improbable to the impossible could be the case, it was just necessary that it be so, there was a God, or there were multiple universes and we just happened to be in the one that had the perfect balance of life. It could not have been the first, because... Well, let’s just say the universe could definitely have been otherwise and in fact is so much more likely it boggles the mind to fathom. 

So, I was left to disprove multiverse theory, and I would have my God. Proving this, I was given the grant for this facility along with people to work with by a wealthy businessman who was also a person of faith. We were all so excited to be at the forefront of thought, science, and to prove our God. We all had different faiths, but to once again allow rationally justified motivations to believe in God, well, we would give our all. 

It seemed that we had reason on our sides. Have you heard of Ockham’s razor before?” She had forgotten she was more than just a spectator to the conversation as she took a moment to think and respond. 

“The simplest answer tends to be the truest?” 

“Sort of, it essentially is the assumption to look for the explanation that has the least elements. It is a sort of “law of conservation” for logic. That which transpires will have done so using the least energy needed so to speak. With Ockham’s razor, it seemed we were in the lead in our race against the fear of the unknown. It made more sense there was a conscious being who exactly dialed in the twenty six constants than it does that we need an infinite or effectually infinite universe to exist. 

Multiverse theory then had to answer the question of where the organization came from for the system that consisted of these limitless universes. We seemed to have it in the bag, but we came up with a test that would allow us to prove beyond doubt that there was a God by negating the only possible other alternative. 

The issue up until then had been that a multiverse could not be scientific because it could not be sensed, making it definitionally unempirical. This motivated my team with the excitingly impossible task of proving the impossible. And, we did it. We made an inter-universal portal and...” 

“Hold on.” She cut him off. 

“How did you do that?” 

“It would take too long to explain and I need to get to my point. We were able to make this portal that would open up to another universe if it existed. The first time we opened it, we sent in a camera that saw different shades of nothingness before being destroyed. When we pulled back the base that held the camera, we found that it had fallen apart on an atomic level as the weak and strong nuclear forces were different in whatever distant hell that poor piece of machinery went. We tried the test countless times, each one in a different universe. 

On the final one, I pulled it out to find the camera had been crushed as mass was pulled together much more violently than our universe. As I pulled out the last camera, I fell to my knees. I sobbed without ceasing. It wasn’t the pain of loss or suffering, but to realize we never had anything at all. Those were bitter tears. I was nothing more than a piece of the universe that both became smart and foolish enough to prove there was nothing more. 

From there we followed the reason to find my hypothesis about human consciousness was not possible. From there, we had no free will. From there our fate was sealed up in the subatomic particles that comprised us. It wasn’t just that we failed to prove God wrong, but that proved there was no God, and worse yet, no divinity within ourselves. For all of human thought, we could at least assume there was something meaningful and sacred, but now even that tender lie was stolen from us. 

The first day after the discovery was proven past any delusion, no one talked. There was only sobbing. From the airlock went bibles, Torahs, Prayer mats, and my own cross my mother gave me.” He felt at his neck as he closed his eyes in pained bitterness. 

“More than left alone in the universe, we found the universe was not special and that we could no longer exist in it. We felt a sense of duty from the lives we had lived up until this horrific discovery, to tell the world what we had found, but we argued feverishly over what we could do. 

Though it was now clear every thought we had was just from the neurology of our minds, it still seemed to be vital that we seek to do something. I wish it wasn’t me, but it was me who came up with the idea first. If the universe was nothing but particles in motion, tricking any being evolved enough, to feel suffering, it was better we didn’t exist. More than just that it was possible or maybe even not evil, we found duty in this... This goal. Left to its own devices, this universe, despite those wonderful twenty-six constants, would fade into effectual nothingness as there would be no minds around to perceive it as it grows cold and not suitable for life. 

Now that we had just made our discovery, and we knew how things would end, we went to work. Using much of the old machine, we made a new machine. This one would be able to take all the universal constants that make up our universe, and all those that make up other universes and turn them off. Not adjust alone, though that would succeed in ending life. We wanted to stop existence all together and permanently.” She became tense as she listened and held her raygun at the ready. 

“That is what the button does?” She asked with fervor before he nodded. 

“I won’t let you push it, you evil psychopath.” 

“I already told you I am not going to push it. I can’t. It has taken too big of a toll on me. It is my idea, and by pushing the button I affirm my own thoughts alone. That would not show any outside thinking or confirmation. I need someone else to press the button so I can verify another part of humanity can choose for existence to end.” 

“There is no one else on this ship.” 

“That is right.” 

“Then who is going to press it?” 

“Why do you think I called for you?”

Chapter three

“Well then, I think this my easiest mission ever, no matter how high stakes it is. All I have to do is take you in or even just say I tripped on my trigger, and the operation is over.” 

“No, you need to push the button.” 

“This is going to be the easiest no I have ever given.” 

“I think you will end up pushing it if you think about it.” 

“How dare you. Space rangers swear to uphold the betterment of humanity.” 

“Well, perhaps this is just that. Besides, I don’t speak to that part of you, but the real part of you, the true part.” 

“And what part is that?” 

“The part that feels injustice at the universe, the part that knows human nature is primarily evil, the part that dreads your own existence no matter what dopamine and serotonin pumps through you.” 

“I don’t see how feeling those things make me need to push the button.” 

“So, you don’t deny them? Here is my point, even if you think there is a next to nothing chance that this is what you should do, please hear me out. This is as high stakes as it could be. If you were to stop the only chance at stopping existing ever, you damn all humanity forever to the alternative. At least listen.” “I don’t think...” 

“Just listen.” He said with a look that confirmed at least he really believed what he was saying. 

“I will listen to you on that off chance you are right, but i don’t think it is possible you are.” 

“I thank you for that. Now, I need to figure out where I want to begin.” He closed his eyes as he thought. 

“Well I am a disciple of physics, which can only tell you what is and what it does. But for questions of why that is and how it should be, we need to go into philosophy, which is not my strong suit. So what do you think the goal of life is?” 

“To be happy.” 

“I think that is a fair guess. Now, what do we do to get happiness?” She thought back to memories of her at the lake with her brother when she was young. She considered these to be her happiest memories. There was warm sun, cool water, and cold popsicles. There seemed to be a carefree feeling. There seemed to be the absence of issues to combat. It seemed all her life was an uphill battle to attack her present concerns. 

Getting through ranger school was horrifying to her naturally gentle and meek disposition. Every operation she had done since pushed her past what she thought she could do. From all the terrible things she had seen, she escaped into games and films when she came back from a mission, to not have to confront the evil nature of mankind. “We have happiness when we avoid suffering.” 

“Very good, and how do we avoid suffering?” 

“Many ways I guess. Usually stopping the thing that caused the suffering to take place.” 

“And what causes the most suffering?” She thought for a moment. 

“I would say anything that keeps us from happiness, but that is circular.” 

“Existence. Existence causes all suffering.” Dr. Mundio went silent as he allowed Delta to let those words sink in as she did that. She considered them and found that they seemed to be irrefutable. If there was nothing that existed, then there could be no suffering. Pain was something that didn’t exist alone, but tacked onto another entity like a leach. Absent anything to experience it, there was no pain. 

“That seems to be working in your mind.” 

“Yes, that seems to be true.” 

“Any reason you can disagree with it?” She thought for a moment. 

“All I have are concerns on what it means for something to not exist.” 

“Oh yes, the question of nothing derived from something not being a thing. Funny then how we can talk about it.” 

“Then what is nothing?” 

“It simply is not. Your biological mind has only evolved to work with what does exist so it can manipulate it to survive with no question on whether existence was worth it.” 

“Why does the animal in me want to live then?” 

“It is simply a matter of coincidence. One type of being randomly desired to live over not living, and because it lived, it was able to have offspring which in turn had the same quality. We have the desire to live for no greater reason than that we do.” 

“Wouldn’t that just be the same for feeling pain?” 

“Yes, but if we don’t exist we can solve the other problem permanently. That is why this solution exists in its finality. The human mind has derived seemingly limitless ways for us to live and to give meaning to suffering, but if you look at any one of those too closely, they begin to fall apart.” 

“What if some minds choose to keep existing and we make the choice for them?” 

“Then you would be making their choice of more value than it is. They choose from biological necessity the same as they have sexual desires, but it means nothing and goes nowhere. From this last great solution, there will not be a problem to exist or a mind to be harmed by it.” 

“What about all the planets and stars? They don’t feel pain and may as well exist.” Her face expressed her troubled thoughts as Dr. Mundio tried to help her see what he saw. 

“Let’s break up who is affected by the pressing of the button. The two parties that will essentially be affected are us and the universe. By us, I mean anything that is conscious such as humans, perhaps some animals, or any alien lifeforms that haven’t been found yet. By the universe I mean everything else in this dimension that is not us. Is this fair to say?” 

“I would say so.” 

“For a mind to feel pain, not existing would stop pain and for that reason is better, but we can come back to that. However, you ask a good question on what about the universe. Tell me, how versed are you in twentieth-century or so history?” 

“I would say enough.” 

“What do you know about the climate crisis?” 

“Essentially, humanity found that the society they had built was damaging the world around them.” 

“That is fair to say. Now, this is where the dilemma arises. Let’s say that they were on this trajectory and they had reason to believe the world would be destroyed in one hundred years if they didn’t change. Now, if they changed, they would lose out on a lot of comforts and conveniences they desired or even would have to forgo people being born. Let’s say that it got so bad that their only options were to kill half the people or let the planet die. What do you think they should do?” 

“They could leave the planet.” 

“For the sake of the thought experiment to prove my point, let’s say that they had to choose between these two options of killing half the people or losing the planet.” Delta struggled to think about it, but came to a conclusion. 

“Then they should kill half the people.” “Interesting. Why?” 

“If they are not killed, then no one would be alive when the world ended.” 

“So you think it is better for some lives to live rather than no lives even if it means to take lives?” 

“Yes.” 

“Now, let us think back to the earth. Are you doing this genocide because you care about the earth or because you care about the people and want at least some to live?” 

“It would be because I care about the people.” 

“Exactly. This is because nothing matters outside of our minds. If we don’t exist because we all suffocated on deadly gasses, then there is no mind to desire the earth to exist. If it is true that only humans have intrinsic value and not the universe, then it means that whatever we choose affects whether or not the universe should exist.” 

“What about all the beauty that exists?” 

“In the eye of the beholder, and where are those eyes?” She nodded as she realized how meaningless the universe was. It had no reason to exist nor should it if it didn’t afford a mind that could desire what it wanted. 

“Now, let’s go back to the other type of being we might not want to push the button for. To start with animals. From the beginning of us stewing in warm, muddy regions and brewing into life forms, life has been a swarm of something coming into existence, fighting to beat something else out and failing. This means there is a net greater amount of suffering than joy from being. 

Let’s say you are the lucky being that gets to stay alive unlike all the other little bacteria around you because you consumed them and their resources. Then you could find your way into a hot vent and burn up. You could wash up on shore and dry out. Even if you stay alive and are lucky, the infiniteness of time would mean that eventually, you would die. That is for the asexually reproducing creatures, but what about us sexually reproducing creatures? We must necessarily die. It is wired into us as clearly as our desire for procreation. You may have heard of all the attempts to make ourselves immortal and the horrific repercussions.” 

“I have.” 

“So it is clear we must die and this death will be painful. That is not even to speak of all the pain that will occur for the few years we labor tirelessly to fight off death. Death is inevitable. By pressing the button, I am simply wanting to make it inevitable for no more minds and beings.” 

“What if there were a life form that derived more pleasure than pain from its existence? We shouldn’t then push the button for them.” 

“That is impossible. Suffering is a necessary part of being alive. If you have stayed alive and continue to exist, it is because you have avoided things that have enough energy to kill you while also taking in all the resources you need to survive. In order to have evolved far enough to feel pleasure, you would need an internal reminder that something needs to be addressed. This is pain. Pleasure is only the fulfillment of what is needed. So, if a being exists, it must necessarily suffer and as we have seen, the math works out to there being more suffering than not.” 

“I still am not going to press that button.” Delta said sternly as she tried to stand her ground as it avalanches beneath her. 

“I am not asking you to push it, I am asking you to consider it as deeply as you can. If you don’t push that button and you are wrong, there will never be another chance to save us from our biggest problem, existing. I have sworn not to push it myself, and if you tried to stop me, you could easily. The machine would never be built again as it not only took so much information, thought and resources to make, but no one would again be honest with themselves that we need this solution. 

Chapter Four

I am not asking you to doom humanity to its end, but to listen to me and hear what I say about not damning it to the hell of existence. Are the stakes high enough for you to hear me more?” Delta went quiet as she began to feel the weight of everything forever and always crushing her. Not only would all the lives that live now be affected, but there would be no life that is. Every life that had lived and was now passed would not be able to reach its goal in making some change in the lives of the future as there would be none. 

“I may only be a scientist, but I can read on your face your concern. Let’s go for a walk.” Dr. Mundio stepped toward the door as he gestured as she followed behind him through the door before coming to his side. 

“Do you mind if I tell you a little about myself?” 

“Go ahead doctor.” Delta said as they made their way down the hall. 

“I was raised in Quito, Ecuador in a large Catholic family. We didn’t have much, but we had fun with all nine children.” They came to the cafeteria as he sat down at a table and she joined him on the other side. 

“When I was six years old or so, I realized it had been three years since my youngest brother was born. I went to ask her when she was going to have another child. She was tired and now in her early forties, so she told me she was done having children. That idea didn’t sit right with me. I knew from my father talking about his service in the intergalactic war that killing people was wrong. It was wrong because someone would not exist when they could have because of your actions. 

It then made sense to me that my mother was in affect, murdering my future siblings. They potentially existed and because of her choice they never would. In the words of a six year old, I told her this, but she told me that if she had another child, its life would be difficult because we wouldn’t have enough food and clothes for it. So, is a life not worth living when it can’t have enough resources, and if so how much? 

If my father’s salary decreased a little, was it then fair to murder one of the children? Mt questions to her were simply quenched with the God she loved so much as I began to love Him too as I needed him to exist because I heaped piles of questions on Him. If He didn’t exist, those questions could not be answered. I later realized this is why I was so passionate on proving He existed in my science. 

Years later when I was in my master’s program, I was looking to find a nice young lady to marry. There was a pretty girl in my calculus class. I promptly asked her for coffee and later that week we went. I began to talk about my family and a funny story with my older brother when she cut me off. She asked me if I wanted to have children. I joked that it was a little soon to ask that, but said yes. She said then this wouldn’t work, referring to us, and got up to leave. 

I asked her why and she said she was not bringing a child into this messed up world. This was shortly after Massai died, the Zukeans had control over the world so I asked if it was how the world was right now and she would later if it changed. She said no still because this world was still so messed up and life was painful. I became brutally candid and asked her if she was so convinced that life was not worth living, why did she not kill herself? She told me she was already alive so she might as well stay alive. 

I didn’t find that satisfactory and so I called her a hypocrite in my mind. I made fun of her in my mind over the years until I came to my discovery that there is no meaning to anything. I then realized how right she was. Only, she was not consistent enough to commit to the goal. The whole crew of this little facility came to the conclusion on their own. Each one pulled from their lives, story after story of why life was only worth it if there was meaning, and we had found just that.” 

“Dr. Mundio, I think I will now cut you off. No matter what the benefits are, it is wrong to kill?” 

“Is it? Then why are there wars? You are a space ranger. I am sure you have defended yourself or had to eliminate a target before. Why was that acceptable?” 

“They had done something evil?” 

“So, it is moral to kill, just not without justifying it morally like murder. Then what you are really asking is can we justify it? To know that, Let’s ask why it is wrong to kill. What is one reason it is wrong to kill?” 

“I can think of a few. They could have lived a life otherwise and...” 

“Hold on.” Dr Mundio interrupted. 

“Let’s address one at a time so we don’t get lost. This goes back to the conversation I had with my sweet mother. There is a big difference between something that is potential and actual. If not, standing next to a tank of gasoline is the same as an explosion. There is no such thing as the future. There is only the present and it's moving across time. Maybe they would have been killed off by someone at the same time. That is not enough of a reason not to kill. Next.” 

“Well, I wouldn’t want to be killed and we shouldn’t do that which we don’t want.” 

“That is a great one. Let’s say that you are suicidal. Would it then be okay to kill everyone else? Your desires are subjective and don’t mean anything more than what you want. If you happen to not want to die, it doesn’t mean anything. Next reason.” 

“Society couldn’t function if people just went around killing each other.” 

“Then, you need to answer why society matters enough to care. Why should society function? Why should we care?” 

“But life has value?” 

“To who? Not to the universe as we have seen. It is only to us it seems to have value, but if there was some magic button we could press that made us not exist, there would be no one to have the value that we should. Do you have any more reasons?” 

“How it affects others who are left behind, but that doesn’t apply.” 

“You are right. With there only being nothingness, there would be no one to feel the loss of a loved one. We would go together. This is where nothingness becomes interesting. Zero point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero forty two percent of all the universe is matter while the rest is empty space. That means that in all the space there is, there is more nothingness than not. 

I am simply wanting to round that last little fourty two to an even zero. Some physicists theorize that empty space is something as it at least has dimensions and could perhaps have some sort of sub-atomic tapestry that makes it up, but it matters less. Nothingness is not just a black night, nor is it simply nothing right next to something. It is for there not to be anything including the dimensions or framework for something to exist. This is pure nothingness. 

In fact, me using a word for it is almost foolish as it is not something or a concept of something, but I do this to show my point.” Delta just looked at him to realize how little she was and how much was the rest of everything to destroyed. There was so much that existed and definitely more than she knew about, but it was clear that when you considered what didn’t exist, you could both say an infinite amount and yet nothing at all. 

“I am sorry. I talk too much. I am a lecturer at heart. Here is what I will do now. I will now sit and listen and only answer your questions. What I would like you to do is this. I want you to tell me if you didn’t push the button, why would you not? Then I want you to tell me why you would if you did.” He nodded a gesturing smile as she began to think. 

“I’ll start with why I wouldn’t.” Delta took a moment to collect her thoughts before sharing them. 

“I think in terms of stories or examples. When intergalactic travel and living was still its infancy, a select group of space rangers were sent out to find what physics thought was the end of the universe. Some were able to relay their messages and findings back to us, but most of them became lost not in where they were, but in how far they were. 

They sacrificed their lives for something better. I think we owe it to people like them to live lives that show we honor that. They did it because it was their duty and perhaps ours is to continue on and do something great. I think there is somewhere we are going.” 

“May I stop you there? I know I said I wouldn’t.” 

“Go ahead.” 

“Duty according to whom and even if we are on a trajectory as a people, how do we know it's good?” 

“That is fair. Let me think for a second.” Delta went quiet for a moment. 

“I would not push the button not because of what it would do, but because of who I am. I am not a bad person. I do not want to kill people even if it is for their good. My character would not allow me to. I am a good person. Although, if I choose not to push it because I want to be a good person, then I guess I just think I matter more than others.” 

“It is a tricky one. Good catch.” 

“I guess my final answer is because being alive can be beautiful. I think back to all the heroes who have lived and the differences they made. Despite their pain, they lived beautiful stories.” 

“Anything more?” 

“I keep thinking of things, but then I realize that my thoughts don't hold up.”

Chapter Five 

“Wonderful thank you. You gave a compelling case. Now, if you did push the button, why would you?” She became quiet again as she thought. She could feel the thought pressing her. She knew the premises that supported the final permanent conclusion, but more than that she had a feeling. She knew a more surface-level part of her wanted to shoot Dr. Mundio now and have this over as that part of her was shamed to have even listened to him. Another part of her seemed to want to be honest with itself and what it meant to push the button. 

“You laid out some great arguments for why I should, and they helped me see the more logical framework of why I should push the button, but as I said before, there is something past words and reason. That thing also may want me to go into that room and press the button.” She lowered her gaze to her lap as she turned over her ray gun in her hand. 

“Before, it seemed like the most foolish of positions to make my choice based on my experience and perception, but that is what I know best. You spoke mostly of why the button should be pushed in terms of suffering and lack of meaning. I see a greater motivation to push being justice. You gave me the courtesy of telling me a little about your life, so I will as well. Right after I graduated ranger school, I was put in charge of an operation to intercept some pirates who were alleged to capture ships and cannibalize them while they took the people inside and sold them for their organs or sex slaves. 

Being as bold and naive as I was, I planned the mission without much concern. Before we got to the pirates ship, we had received the intel that they had just captured another ship. We raced there as fast as we could hoping we could take the survivors. My plan went well and we had secured the pirate’s ship quickly. When we came to the last large room they kept the victim’s in, I opened the doors to find...” Delta began to dry bitter and angry tears. 

“Carnage! Horrific brutality. The ship they captured weren’t miners or scientists, it was families trying to find a new home. I looked over the room to see some of them on stretchers, sliced to bits while the other people in their families were across from them in small cages. I became so disgusted, I made the call to slaughter every single pirate we had in our custody. When I came to the last one, I saw she looked just like me. I was taken aback and asked her why she does this? She told me she was just trying to survive.

 If that was what it took to survive, then she should have died. I shot her as I swore I would never think like that. We then went to try to help the people to find some of the people who had their organs harvested were still alive. I tried to figure out how we could get them to the nearest galactic base that had medical equipment, but no matter how we did the math, it was clear it wouldn’t work. I had their families leave the cage as I...” She began to cry more furiously. 

“I guess I also do whatever I have to!” Her face hit her hands as she cried before raising her face with a stern brow and a quivering mouth. 

“I remember learning about history when I was younger. There was always somebody hurting someone else to get what they needed. As you said, this also happens in biology. There was so little goodness in the world, us humans  fought over it, making more evil in the world. Then we broke ourselves into factions to accomplish these goals. People oppressed by their race, gender, beliefs and throughout time, and why? 

Part of it has to do with the necessity of us fighting to survive. This is where I doubt that girl that looked just like me. I am sure she did it in part because it kept her alive, but did she enjoy it at all? Was she doing evil because she had to, or because that is who she is? And that is just my question. If I could peer into the soul of any given person and see past what they would want me to, what would I find? I have seen enough and experienced it myself to know what the answer is. 

I swore to myself I would never again let something that what those pirates did ever happen, no matter what it took. No matter what. I remember seeing bullies at school and standing up to them, reporting the cadet who assaulted me in ranger school, and then every single mission as a ranger. 

For everything I did, there was always one goal, stopping evil no matter the price, as I ran away from the evil I saw in myself. And how successful was I? Some lives were saved, but so few. I could never stop the tide as it crashed onto the shore, so if only I could eliminate the sea. No matter how right I know it is, a part of me doesn’t want to press the button, but I remember what Massai said. 

“Where there is opportunity for good, there is a responsibility for action.” I can’t help but feel a pressure to do this as it may be right, no matter how much I don’t want to. If existence causes all pain and evil, and I want to stop pain and evil, then I need to stop existence. Within me collides two powerful truths in opposition and I don’t know what to do, let alone have the strength to do it.” 

“You have more strength than you think you do. Make your choice and I am sure you will find the strength.” She sat there as the weight began to press with greater power as he chest had become tight and she struggled to breathe. 

“Here, I have an idea. Just go to the button and look at it. That might make it easier to choose.” 

She nodded as she stood up and walked toward the hall and then down it. At the end through the open door, she saw the glowing red button as it seemed to say something sinister or perhaps hopeful. Her legs became heavy and her breath erratic as she towered over it. Looking down at it, it seemed to look down on her. 

Her life flashed before her eyes, but not hers only, but every single life her mind could bring into focus. Family, friends, strangers, the unknown, all within her view as their future rested in her sweating hands. Something about this moment seemed so important, so pivotal, that she wished this moment could be spoken of again, but there would be no one to speak of it, and besides, nothing really mattered. That honest and deeper part of herself came to grips with all the smoke and mirrors that were her old meanings to life as her right hand dropped her ray gun to the ground. 

She raised her palm above the glowing red button as it began to quiver. She tried to think of one thought, one memory, even a strong enough lie to keep her from lowering her hand. The lives in her mind raced past. Whatever she did, it was going to be for them, but what was that? Stuck between choices so extreme, she knew it was now or never whatever she did. Her eyes stayed glued to her hand, almost curious what it would do. She thought back to what existence meant to her and then...